You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize