During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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