I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
