dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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