is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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