Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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