She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
