I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we're making bets on your personal life
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
