Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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