were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
