shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
