I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude i'm inner monologue high
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
