You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize