Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Randomize
