so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
