He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize