I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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