Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
