and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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