Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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