it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
