If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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