operation have a gay friend backfired
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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