Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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