i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
