Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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