one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
