I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
