2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I touched a dick in church today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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