fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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