Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
