DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
