Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
