Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
two words...techno handjob
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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