he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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