ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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