i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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