she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
