I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
