The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
