Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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