Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
