moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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