she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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