I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
