I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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