I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
