Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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