I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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