Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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