Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
