there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
