Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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