based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
