The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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