You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
