Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
